Black Diary
by One of theMaddest
Summary: It's a cold winters day and Ceil has no winter cloaths, so Sebastian goes looking for some. When he leves he drops something, and Mey-Rin trips over it. Ceil just want's to know more about his hell of a butler. Warning Alcohal abuse, Self harm, Satanic rituals ( mentioned), and suiside attempts. If this is trgering for you, don't read this story.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Black buttler, or Sebastan.**

It was late november, and Ceil was frezing. Sebastian had found him some winter cloaths but they hadn't fit him. They were all eather two sizes too big, or a size too small. Instead Sebastion had wraped him up in a blacnket, and had left promising on finding something warm for his young master. That was two hours ago. In his defence Ceil was tiny for his age, making it hard to find anything adult like for him.

Dispite being a chiald, Ceil was very much a adult. He dresed and acted like one. He wore a nice buttin up shirt, trousers, a belt, a cravat and nice shoes. He also often wore a cloack. He liked being formal, he realy did. But at his size, there was only realy a kids option, and some teen cloaths.

"Master! Lookie hear!" Mey-Rin yelled running into the room, holding a black book with two wight leters in fancy cursive on the spine. "S.W? So you think it's Sebatians?" She yelled tripping ober the chair leg. Ceil had to give that one to her. He had forgoten to put it back and someone was bound to trip over it's curent position.

"Sorry Mey-Rin. That one was my fault." Ceil said, a tad annoyed. Were had she found something like that.

"Where did you get that May-Rin?" He continued looking at her sternly.

"In the hall, I triped over it you see. When I picked it up to ask whos it was, no one was there." She was exited and a deep shade of pink. Ceil could not help but think of one of Lizzy's dresses. this thoght earned a smirk, but only a small one that was gon as soon as it came.

"Let me see that." Ceil demandedd, curius as well. Looking at the cover he sighed, it was definitly Sebastian's. There on the cover was a wight outline forming a cat, clearly hand drawn. Ceil hated to admit it, but it was prity impresive.

"It is definitly Sebastian's." Ceil said showing Mey-Rin the cat. She squeled and turned from that fancy dress pink, right to tomato red.

"I don't think he would apretiate you having this." Ceil said, more to see her reaction then anything. Mey-Rin went to a hole new shade of red, almost that of some of the wine in the celler, then she went throgh several saids, befor pailing right out. Ceil was a bit dazled at first. He had never seen a person go thrugh somany shades of rd and pink befor. "Are you alright?" He asked a tad concerned. Mey-Rin nodded, befor running off.

'I don't think he will mind too much if I take a small peek. It migt help me understand him a bit more.' Ceil thoght, curiosity peacking. Quickly he turned to the first page.


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own Black Butler or Grill.**

( _This is wrighting in the Diary_ )

 _Hello, my name is Sebatian._

 _I am five years old, and I receed you as a gift. Mom says I'm going to be a smart, and good boy. She's tying to make me beleve in god. Why should I? Why do I care about a so called 'all powerful being. "It is proper for children your age to belve in him," She would say. I never cared, I still don't._

 _Kid's are mean to me. Some avaid me, others full on bully me. I am fair skined, and hade neat black hair. But that's not what they bug me about, it is my eyes. They are a red colour. People say I am a spawn of Saitan himself. I do not know how I feal about that._

 _Enough about that, lesions are going well. I know meny words in other languiges! Bonjor is hello in french, and Jou is queen in jepanese._

 _I have to go. Mom is bringing me to church. She beleves in god. The more I her about him the less he makes me like him._

 _good by for now,_

 _Sebastian Michaeils._

Ceil gasped lightly, and glanced aroun. He was not shure what surprised him more. The fact that Sebastian's mother was Cristian, or that he was reading a deamonds diary. Maybe the fct that a demond had a diary in the first place. One that looked new, but old at the same time. Maybe it was recreated when he dyed. Sudinly there was a kneed for him to know more.

"Young master?" A voice asked knocking on the study door. Sebastian was home, and he still had his diary! Thinking fast, with a vow to read it again later he shoved it into his shirt. He knew it wat un-manly but it was the first thing that came to mind.

"Yes Sebastian?" Ceil asked, surprising himself at how easly he was hiding his fear.

" found a warmer coat for you." Sebastion responded walking in with the jacket. It was very nice. It was a very dark green, with silver fasnings, and wight fur trim. Ceil found himsel slighly amazed by this. "Thank you Sebastian." Ceil said looking right at the butler, he too had a warm jacket on. His was black, with silver fasnings. It looked nive and proper, whale still being warm. Sebastion nodded and helped Ceil with the coat.

"You may go now Sebastion." Ceil said, anctius to read the diary. Is was sad, but true. He really should not have red the first paige. Now he had to read it all.

"Alrigh Young Master." Sebastian said, oddly calm.

'Probly found a cat. As long as it ceaps him buisy, then it should be fine.' Ceil thoght with a sigh. he then pulled out the diary and turned to the next page.

 _Hello again,_

 _It has bin a little while, but mom is mad at me._

 _I disided, god is a crule basterd, who dose not really care for people. All angels do is make sugestions, and tell you to prare evey night. I hate it. Mom makes me go to church still and it drives me mad. I lashed out last week, and got punished for it by mom. When dad got home, he was drunk and informed of what I did. I got a 'spectial' punishment for it._

 _Dad's drinking is bad, he comes home and punishes me for the smalest of things. He has a spetial punishment for when I am late, or act out. It hurts, but it's suposed to help cure me of my evil. That's why god would forgive him, it was not greed, or envy it was to help me. mom stands by this, and nothing will get done._

 _Mom's started driinking too. She said that it was my fault. That I cause her too much stress. She begs god for forgivness. That's all preying is after all. Begging god for what you want, in a was that sounds 'sweet' and 'kind. It makes me sick._

 _I found a book on demonds and Satan. I've hidden it in my room, mom and dad stay out of there. I have not read much yet but there cool. They make contracts with people. What the person want's for there sol. There's no way for the person to be greedy. They die when the task is compleat. So maby I read more then I thoght. It is a big book._

 _I have to go,_

 _Sebastian Michaeils._

Ceil was a bit teary eyed now. Taking a few deap breths, he tryed not to amagin what kind of person Sebatian's perints were. Ceil looked around again to make shure no one hd walked in, to be shure he was alone Ceil dicided to head to his sleping chambers.

Once there He sat on his bead and opened up the diary again.


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own Black Butler of Ceil**

 _(Sebastian's wrighting)_

 _Hello,_

 _I know I'm wrighting much less laitly. I have a friend. I will discribe her to you. She has long curly red hair that reaches her mid back, and pail skin. Her eyes are red, and she thinks I am right about god. Also, I'm twelve now and really buisy._

 _We have bin hanging out and she's really fun. We can talk about things not most girls talk about. No one realy talks about them realy. Like Satan, and his demonds. Or God and his Grim reapers. I have not told you her name. It is Maya-Rine. I call her May-Rin. She's from china, and toght me a bit about there languige. She's a cluts though._

 _I have to go now,_

 _Sebastian Michaeils._

Ceil giggled, knowing no one would dare bug him. The thoght of Sebastion having a crush was perfect. But he soon thoght of something, this Maya-Rine was just like Mie-Rin. She was even called May-Rin. It was probaly just a coicadince.

 _Diary,_

 _Me and Rin arne freinds any longer. Let me explane._

 _We were out t the park with my book, lait at nigt. Nether of are perints cared where we were. I came appon a somining ritual and asked if she would like to join in. She agread, but I ges she did not think I would go all out with it. I did._

 _We went to a dirt patch and she stood still in the midle, i drue the pentagon thing around her. I gess she thoght i would only go this far and duble back, because when I pulled a small poket nighf and cut my palm open, chanting she started to panick. I was doing a Satanic ritual, and she was part of it. It was fun, at first. Then she tryed to run, and colaped to the ground in pain. She twisted her ancle. We staged a sanario of what hapened by addind injerys to me and some hits to both. We even thoght of a clever persn, a anti cristan who wanted to sell are sols to the devel. Luckly are perint's did not ask about the injerys and told the doctors they had no clue what hapened._

 _The next day, rin disided she wanted to be cristian, she had fooled herself into thinkig I was struling with posetion, and that being with me for so long had infected her. She tryed to remove my posetion, but gave up claming I was hopless. She left me, but never told anyone about the ritual feild._

 _The day after that some kids stumbled appon the somining simbal and started to gosip it about. The park was then on called the most danjerus park ever, and was off limits. It was not a law, so I would still go there after school._

 _I have school now,_

 _Sebastian Michaeils._

Ceil just stared at the words infront of him. Even Sebastian would not do that. Right?

 _It's me,_

 _I am starting to wory myself. I have become fixated with rituals, and somanings, and sacrifices. It is not healthy. I ceep convincing kid's to come with me to the spot, and trying to somon a demond or Satin. All I have maniged is mass murder. Sacrifice, and that's it. Turns out the ritual I was doing was for sacrifice. Oh well, that's too bad._

 _Mother is scared that she is going to be next. That is not true. She is not that stuppid, and she would kill me if I even tryed. I did not mention that however, because that would be suiside._

 _Speking of that, I tryed to kill my self only a few days ago. I cut my hands, untill blood loss could actualy do damige. Mother had told me to make dinner, so I had to make it seam like a acident. Mother would kill me if she thoght I would kill myself. That is kind of ironic, as that's what I was trying to achive. I wan't to dye. I do not like life. It has tomany tosses and turns. But with my last 'cooking incident', I am still healing, so I can not cook. I have just enogh feling to wright today. I can not beleve my self when I say I am fine, no one should realy._

 _I should stap as my hands hurt,_

 _Sebastian Michaeils._

Ceil had burst into tears, and was clearly sobbing. Not even caring that someone might hear him. Not caring that Sebastian might hear him. He cryed untill he could not cry any longer, untill it was hard to breath, untill he was gasping for brath and coghing. His eyes were pink and his cheacks staned.

Once he had calmed down it was tea time and Ceil was going to see if Sebastian remembered erver being 'fine'.

"Master, are you quite alright?" Sebation asked as he wealed the cart in, sitting biside Ciel.

"I am fine, Sebation." Ceil ansered, eaning a spilt second woryd frown from the butler. His eye's still held wory and sorow.

"I know what you mean. Happy, but uterly helpless to a unknown force of sadness." Sebaton's voive was diferent. Quiet and caring, gentle even. His right hand going to the glove of his left, then he stoped. "Maybe another time." Sebatian said sounding more like himself.

'He went to show me and I do not even deserve it! I went through his diary, and poked at a old wound. I will avoid hitting that hand when I punish hm.' Ceil thoght tearing up again. This time he was able to ontrol his tears.

"Thank you Sebatian." Ceil wispered acsepting the tea. Sebatian left quietly, Ceil loked over just in time to see a tear role down his butler's cheak. "Could you please go and check on Mey-Rin please. She is suposed to pe polishing some very valable china, and I do not wish for it to be broken." Ceil called, adverting Sebastion away from the kitchen for some reason.

Once Sebatian was gone, he re opned the demond's diary.

 _Hello agin old freind,_

 _I ame now eghteen, and have had a bad few years. I had seven 'near drowndinds', therty 'kitchen acidents', three 'garning acidents', acidently on poupuse burnt my hand on hot trays enogh times that I am not alowd to get things out of the stove, and gave myself frostbite ten times. I know not all of them are suiside attempst,but I have also started out right cutting my wrists. I also got myself into quite a few bar fights._

 _Yes I started drinking, but not extreamly hevaly. Also it seams I have a high tolerance to aclohal. I do not like bear, and drink wine whenever I can. Making shoure I am able to get home of course._

 _My wrists are scatered with lines and scars, of course tht is what is expected of someone who cuts there own flesh. Some are almost fuly healed, others are fresh._

 _I hope that if i do become a butler I am taken care of,_

 _Sebastian Michaeils._

Ceil wiped his eys, and tryed not to gointo another fit of tears. Sebastian was alredy being cutious about his master, and he did nt nead for him to stess. Ceil was barly able to hold it together at dinner, when Sebation had a moment of forgetfulness and grabed for the hot dish to move it.

"Sebatian! Let Baldroy gey it! You will burn yourself if you touch it with those thin gloves you fool!" Ceil snaped, right as Sebatian's index finger hit the dish. Hissng, he yanked his had back quicly, heading out of the roon to check the burn.

"I am very sorry young master. You must be dredfuly woryed about me. I should not have bin so carless." Sebastian said as he walked back in, a small bit of watter on his glove.

"You iced it I see. Good, not let Baldroy handle the oven, taking stuff out at least. You are verry lucky I came in to check on Baldroy."

'That is untill I read someting about you burning yourself on purpouse puting something in the oven.' Ceil thoght sighind at Sebastian, who had a odd look on his face.

"That's new. One mess up and I am nolonger alowd to get things out of the oven? Now that I think about it you have bin checking on Baldroy alot latly, expetialy when you know I am going to be cooking as well. Care to exlplane?" Sebatian was upset, but not mad.

"I have no nead to tell you. " Ceil hissed lighly as he headed out. Stoping at the dore in a nicer tone, he added "And Take care of yourself Sebatian."

It was harder when Sebatian broght him sis disert and he had a burn on his cheak.

"What hapened!" Ceil yelled.

"I was petting Pluto and he snezed, fire. At my face." He seamed upset. Howver this was confermed when Pluto paused at his dore and sneved, fire coming from his mouth. Only a little, even Ceil knew that it would caause a small burn if it his someone.

Dispite Sebatian's clames, he had grown atached to the demond hound.

Little did Ceil know, Sebatian cryed hinself to sleap.

The next morning Ceil was alowed to sleap in, on acount that sebatian did not want his young master to know what he was doing.

He had figured out that Ceil had his diary, and sliped a note in it, then put it back were he got it, and woke Ceil up.


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't own Black Butler or Baldroy**

 _(Sebastian's Wrighting)_

After handing Ceil his tea Sebatian left the room and stood out side of the door.

Ciel picked up the diary, gasping at the pice of paper that fell out. Opening it up he read it.

 _Dear Ceil,_

 _I know you have bin reading my diary. I am both disapointed and happy at the same time._

 _You let you'r curiosity get the better of you. That is why I am disaponted. I am happy, because you did not force me to tell you any more then what I wrote. You cept readind because it was interesting._

 _Or did you ceep reading because you cared?_

 _Thank you for stoping me, when I burnt my finger. It was intenional and I think you knew that. I had a bad day._

 _Ploto's sneze was also my fault. But I did it to comferm my sispitions, about you and my diary. Only someone who read it deaply, would have woryed about a burn on my cheak. Expetioaly with a demon hound as a pet._

 _But I am still qurius as to how far you went and why, so we will do it this way. You anser a question I rean a entery and anser any questions you have about that entery._

 _Is that a deal yong master? If not return my diary at once. I don't kneed you to wory about me and have something against me, now do I?_

 _I know how long it takes you to read so I am going to come in soon._

 _Please anser the question as if I asked you in person,_

 _Sebastian Michaeils._

Right as Ceil finished reading the letter Sebastian walked in. He looked a tad distresed.

"It's a deal Sebastion. But first, did you really try to kill youself?" Ceil asked looking at his feat.

"Yes young master. I was depresed and all. I am truly sorry if I woryed you." Sebatian said sitting beside Ceil, diciding on the first question.

"Where did you get it?" Sebastian asked holding his diary.

"You droped it, Mey- Rin triped over it. Is it made of steal by the way, it was steped on by Rin, up my shirt and under covers and is not even slighly rincled." Ceil admited smiling at his joke, Sebastian did to.

"Alright I will read you the next entry." Sebastian said opening the diary with forgen enery.

 _Diary,_

 _I beleve I have gon mad. I am tempted to kill my peints. Maybe I have cone sane?_

 _No, you do not go sane. I just hate those two. They care so much about there 'preshious god' I want to die, more! I alredy tried to kill myself, and I have killed in the past. I am good with perscribed medican._

 _Oh, I did not tell you did I. Mother found my scars, and took me to the doctor. He put it down to lack of sleap. So I was perscribed some neadle thing, that mother gives me. It is not like I could overdose. The dosage is set._

 _Yes, I will kill then for Satan. Okay, I see now why I was worying myself. To bad, demonic sacrifice for them, death sentince for me._

 _Yes diary, this should be the last time I ever right to you. I am going to die! I will be burnt at the stake, and laugh._

 _good by my freind,_

 _Sebastian Michaeils._

It was clear that the two were at a stand still, laugh or cry. After a bit Sebastian disided on cry. His shoulders shoulk as he sobbed quietly. Ceil did what he knew help humas, he rubed his back. Once Sebasian stoped crying Ceil looked at him.

"Were you stll drinking? There were neadles? What hapened to you?" Ceil floded the demon with questins.

"Yes, I was still drinking. Neadles are anchent. What compelled you to read my diary in the first place?" Sebastian was smart, and added his second question as a anser.

"I thoght it would help me understand you more, and honistly I just expected a few storys about cats you had or something. Not your full on history." Ceil ansered looking Sebastian in the eye, he smiled and higed Ceil.

"Alright, fair point young master."

"Good job on the drawing by the way."

 _Diary,_

 _I am a demon now. Aperintly my sacrifices did not go un-noteced._

 _Okay, I am ahed of my self. Let's start at the interupted ritual._

 _I had alredy sacrificed my father, and was just finishing with mother when a kid came arount the courner, to my ritual._

 _"Satanic Sacrificing! Mommy!"_

 _Yes, I was busted by a three year old._

 _Anyways I was not even given a trial, just on a woden stake in a burning feild. The grass was set on fire, and vilagers chanted. A simbal apeared on my hand as I started to laugh. I openly laughed at there religen, at there god._

 _"Welcome to hell. You alowed your human body menny sols. You were eating them like it was nothing too." Satan said with a develish grin._

 _Alright, so I was eating the sols. Who cares really, they were good._

 _So that takes me hear. To being a demon, and dead in the human world. I was told I had to go thrue inistiation, that was basicaly proving what I did was not done as a joke. Aperintaly alot of people had done that, and had bin acepted into heven after admiting to there sins. Barf, right?_

 _As for my suiside atemps, Satan did not care to much, as I was now dead and could die all I wanted and still come back. As long as I was not dying during a contract. I was given extream duibility, because of all my atempts._

 _He explaned the symbal on my hand and I liked it. I can not wait to have a contract with someone._

 _I should go just in case there is one and I miss it with you._

 _Your coming with me though,_

 _Sebastian Michaeils._

Ceil blinked lightly and looked over at Sebastian who was grinning even larger then the Undertker, wich woryed Ceil.

"How did you eat the sols as a human? Is it realy posible for you to die under contract? In hell did you kill yourself often? Have you bin harming youself oftin? Can I see them?" Ceil was fast with questions, and Sebation was fast with ansers.

"I still do not intirly know. Yes, but it is hard, I would asume. It was my pass time acticity and I had no work. I think you can put two and two together on your own. Yes and no. I do not cut, or burn of even freze like I used to, but I still do those often." Sebastian said turnng to his master, face a bit stirn.

"Do you really wish to see them all. There are a few that would require me to take off my top, an couset." Sebatian asked looking Ceil in the eye, as he nodded.

Sebastian took a deeap breath and took of his couset, sute shirt and gloves. Then he stood up. Ceil's eyes scaned his arms, hands and torso. His hands had several burns from being 'carless', however his chest had burns as well, almost as it he used a candel or something elce like that. There was also sighs of recent frost bite, that was still healing and a ton of scars. On his arms there were old and new cut wounds and burns. With those frost bitten skin the shape of ice cubes. His fingers were so dameged that Ceil was surprised they functioned half the time, eather sliced, burnt or frost bitten. His right hand held far les bamage then his left, wrighting had presumably. His right had sighs of multipul mulations, and scars from sirius burns.

"I'm getting some ointment for the burns." Ceil said opening his dressed drawr. Opening the cap he got some ointment and gently rubed the fresher burns first then the older ones. Then he put some on the frost bites as test.

"It dose not help the frost bite, I tryed Young master. Now one more for today alright? Did you really start to cry when you read the therd entery?" Sebastian asked surprised when Ceil helped him with his shirt, tie and couset.

"Who herd me?"

"May-Rin. She ran into me. She said that she herd you 'bawlin his eyes out you'd think.'" Sebation quoted pausing his buttoning to remember the quote.

 _Dirary,_

 _I have my first contract. He is so young. Maybe sevin. He said he was ten, but he is so small. He is adorable too. His name is Ceil Phantomhive. He was very brave with the positioning of the seal. His right eye._

 _Oh, I feal so new to this human thing. I have bin a demon for onaly one tousand years, so the ruels part is still unclear to me. I gess that explanes the lack of human underdtanding too._

 _I am what you would call a butler. That is ironic. In life I wanted to be a butler and now that I am a demon I am one. Two birds with one stone and all that._

 _It is hard to atempt a partial suiside. Hanging would be afective at nocking me ut, but 'no cigar' as humanans would say._

 _My master needs me,_

 _Sebastian Michaeils, one hell of a butler.  
_

Ciel's eyes widened. He had taken of his eye patch.

"Were not buisy today Sebastian are we? Can we continue? "

"No, your right young master. How would you reast to seing any of that?" Sebastian looked at his young master, never bothering to but his gloves back on

"I would have to take care of you." Ceil said sitting on Sebatian's lap.

 _Diary,_

 _I have found pain, that lasts. But young master can never find out. He would probaly not be able to give me the acistance I kneed._

 _Now to my pin, my dilitius pain._

 _I burn my hands as often as I can. The pain dose not last as long as it used to, but it is still dilitius. I even stuck a gloved hand right into the stove. The dilitius tast lasted three months. I blamed Baldroy, and left it at that._

 _I also took icecubes to my skin, such a chiled rush as my skin froze. I went so far with that._

 _I cut still, but that is because I love the tast of my own blood. Atctualy blood in general. It is delitius. I bit myself once, it was one of the best sensations ever. I dicided to lick my wounds._

 _Master somons,_

 _Sebastian Michaeils, one hell of a butler._

"Sebastion! Auto canibalisum?"

"I'm sorry young master. How do you prepose thatyou take care of me?" Right after he said that, Ceil's lips were on his own. Aperintly Ceil had bit his lip, because Sebastion could tast his blood.

"Lunch first ok young master, let me hurt a little." Sebastian said bringng Ceil out of his chambers.

"What cho doin in there?" Baldroy asked, not pauing atention ro Sebation. Sebation grabed the hot dish full on with both hand and held it for a bit befor, "Sebatian! Stop, your hurting yourself! Do not make order you!" Ceil yelled seing Sebatian both smiling a lightly crying at the same time.

"What's gotten into him sir?"

"Nothing that you should concern yourself with. Get me the burn oitment."

Once Baldroy got back Ceil had Sebastian on the couch, without his goves were snugled together, wispering about something.

"I got it Sir." Baldroy said startling the young master.

"Your dismised Baldroy!" Ceil said grabbing the bottle. Opening the cap he put the cream on Sebatian's hands. Baldroy walked of confused.

"So we can go past the contract, but only when I turn twenty years old? " Ceil asked looking at Sebastian.

" Yes it seems I want to came you. I love you young master." Sebastian admitted blushing deaply, before adding "Eat your lunch young master. "

" Yes my love. "


End file.
